Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

Well, this is awkward

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.