I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
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*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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