Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Labreador

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.