Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

make up your mind

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

*toddler screaming in car seat*

Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.

Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

why count sheep when I can count my troubles