Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

Happy Friday

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how