Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name