Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

tinder is all about the long game

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead