I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
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The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”