I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
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I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner