I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
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A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
