I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
How tf did it end up there?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.