I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room