I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
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Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
who did the taste test?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅