I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
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Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight
Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.