I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
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I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Moms. The original autocorrect.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”