I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
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To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.