I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
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Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”