I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
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I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Just me?
a fate I wish upon no one
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
