Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

Oh my god

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?