Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.