I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
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Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Just me and my debit card against the world