Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

Horrifying if literal: armchairs