I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
No way!
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.