I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
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My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
How can I say no to this ?
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
No, YOUR illiterate.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Travel bloggers during quarantine
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.