I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
never deleting this app.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up