I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
You Might Also Like
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Sunday
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.