i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
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The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.