Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

🤫

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

I put the hot in psychotic.

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

SPLOOT

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars