I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Social Media and Real life
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
It’s actually Dr. whatever
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating