I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
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Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Can’t stop laughing
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
