I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
You Might Also Like
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
It’s on my to-do list.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
bought wrong eggs
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Matt Goss
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…