I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
is this meant to deter me
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’