I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.