I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
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I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.