I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Every
Single
Year
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”