Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

So true for me

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw