Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee

[My death bed]

*loved ones sobbing*

Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.