Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

well this is just bullshirt

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”