I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
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hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt