@sarcasticmommy4

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

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@joshbupkes

that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again

@SnizTheFriz

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

@GrantTanaka

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

@Orchidano

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

@CulturedRuffian

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

@LizHackett

I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.