Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”