I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
this isn’t threatening at all
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them