I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Go hard or stay average
constantly working on myself.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.