Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

Very good news from my accountant

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

What a chick magnet..

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

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Morningbreath

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I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.

Solving a traffic jam

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂