Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

it’s the silliest best thing

My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine