I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
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I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.