Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Always remember –

If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.