I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
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Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.