Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

This is my bus stop.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance