I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
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Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
This took me a second..
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Bros before Ohioes
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”