Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.