I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
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The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
If my kids invented a drink.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: