Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?

Trumpy Cat

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.