I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
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Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.