I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
You Might Also Like
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate