I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My last name is Zilla.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer