Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

you’re damn right i have

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

accurate

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.