Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

I have obtained a hat

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

When I pack too much for a short trip.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit