I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I hope this email finds you in a well
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.