I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
You Might Also Like
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
*sewing*
A thread
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”