Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive