Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!