I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do