Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Doctors and Big Pharma are only in it for the money. My herbal remedies will save the lives of you and your family for only 4 easy payments of $62.95

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?