I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
yall want some gasoline milk
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Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme![]()
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud