I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
You Might Also Like
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch