Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t