Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

just got my engagement photos

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

No flush

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house