Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

Meow

HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!

Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*