Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too

[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well

[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends