Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.