Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks