Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

If you wear enough cardigans people will assume you’re smart and you can stop reading entirely.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

Like sleeping!

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.