Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

[Hospital]

New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.

New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.

New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.

Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car