I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
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Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
A dead goose is called a ghoost
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.