I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.