Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.