Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one

customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon

me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

Dear Lord..

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.