Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

I just ran a .003048K

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

🤣could you imagine

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like