Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.

*repeat daily in various scenarios*

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]

Where is your GOD now????

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*