I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
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Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.